Sunday, January 25, 2009

Delima of Ending Medications

I'm going to give you two accounts as to what can happen when you go off medications for mental illnesses. This post will deal with my account. The following post will deal with what happened with Jay (not his real name for obvious reasons).

Not all that long ago, I had decided to talk to my doctor about going off the paxil which I had been on for a few years. I felt like I had control and would be able to handle it. I was gaining so much weight which is one of the side effects of paxil. I would get shaky, break out in a sweat, and eventaully get to the point where I couldn't function from being so hungry and then gorge myself. I hated it!

I talked with my doctor and she agreed to give it a try. We had a back up plan if it failed. I was going to go on a more natural medication called cymbalta if I had any problems. I was to contact her immediately if I was experiencing any problems, as when one comes down off their medications it can have drastic effects. You have to be weened from the medications. Just stopping them can kill you. My sister almost lost her life. She felt like she was having a heartattack and rushed to the hospital. You simply can not just stop it.

So she slowly brought me down from the paxil. I felt funny in the begining which is normal. I had feelings of diziness often. I tried real hard to ignore that feeling. At first all seemed great. I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt like it was going to be okay. I took a leap of faith, believing that God would take it away.

See, where I went wrong is I did not pray about it. I did not ask for help with it. My family saw me changing, but I did not. Then I began to realize something wasn't right. I was no longer able to pray, I couldn't read the Bible. This was all literally taking place. I began to panick. One day I just cried and cried, and didn't want to be around anyone. I felt alone, I wanted to isolate myself from the world. I became angry with my husband. He was flustered. It was cold that particular morning. I thought to myself, the enemy has control of me. If I'm consumed with the devil, then please Lord take me now. Get rid of Satan and take me now.

I grabbed my I-pod and ran out the door. I thought, I have one shot left at Salvation. I walked and walked, getting colder and colder, having a hard time breathing, my lungs gasping for air. I didn't care. I wanted to hear God speak to me and if He didn't then I wanted to die. I had no coat on. It was dark, and I was alone, unable to hear His voice. My life was over. I didn't want to go on any more.

I made it back home, sat in a dark room and cried and cried, thinking of what would the grandkids think, what about our kids, my sisters, parents, husband? How could I leave them like this? But then how could I put them through living with a devil woman? My head was spinning. I couldn't stop crying. I felt like life was totally out of control.

I heard my husband come down stairs and thought, please don't find me. Leave me alone. I can't see you right now. He came in and asked me what was going on. All I could say was, "I don't know. I'm scared." He then placed his hand on my shoulder and started praying out loud. I cried even harder. Then low and behold, I saw this big hand reach down and saw myself literally being pulled out of this deep dark mirey cess pool. He hadn't left me!!!

I reached up and he said, "Child, I never left you. You never came to me. You never asked me what you should do. I placed doctors there for you all for a reason. You must see your doctor and get back on medication. It's okay to accept help. There is a reaon for everything. Now go child, and always remember to come to me first. Don't try to do it on your own. I love you."

I can not begin to explain the feeling that gave me. It was beautiful. There was hope. I made the appointment and my husband went with me. Thank heavens. I had a hard time telling my doctor, as I had become so emotional. My husband, bless his heart stood by me every moment of the way. He never gave up on me. Had this happened before we came to the Lord, we probably would not be together, and I perhaps would not be alive. I'm now on Cymbalta, which I had requested. I absolutely love it.

I've learned to never go it alone. Never just go off the meds on your own (I had tried that before as well), and to be very cautious. When you go off the meds and back on and off and on, you continue to make the sypmtoms worse. We learned this with our son. It's not worth it.

I had said at the begining I would write about two situations. This turned out to be longer than I thought it would, so I'm going to make them two seperated posts. In fact, I'm going to try and get my son to talk about his experience verses coming from myself. He has so much to offer for you all.
There is so much to share and tell right now, that my head is spinning. So I must take a break and think this through. I really want to start at the begining and walk you all through the experieinces we have had with our son and what to look for. The signs that can be confusing are all so important. They are NOT TO BE IGNORED!!! Trust me. So many want to think it's too embarrassing, or awww, it's just all in their mind, or they are just bad kids, and on and on the excuses go. It can cost you the loss of a child. A child that can go on and live in society with no threat to society.

No comments: