e.Lead To Write This

It came to me this evening the importance to stress some things of what not to do. I guess the wonders of Mother's Day made me look back and reflect on the past and the following thoughts came to mind. I was going to spend a quiet evening just kicking back, but I kept getting a tap on the shoulder and a quiet voice telling me I really needed to share.

Often times one tries hard to keep skeletons hidden in the closet, not wanting to air their dirty laundry so to speak. But then it hit me; sometimes it is good to share happenings no matter how bad or sinful they were in order to help others before it goes too far. Please remember, all of the past worldly/fleshly ways have been dropped for over two years now and we will never go back to that way of life. I call it our learning/growing phase.

When our children were growing up, my hubby and I were drinkers. Eventually our marriage became rocky off and on. We went through many a times where we talked of divorce. We never once thought of the affect it had on our kids in long terms. We saw how it upset them in the present time. We were dealing with the frustrations of Jay having problems that were totally not understood. We were going through the thought that we must be doing something wrong. I was bi-polar and did not know it. I was doing the yo-yo thing with weight. I would lose it, look and feel great and then gain it all back and then some and then lose it again, and on and on.

Of course my self-esteem was being shot to pieces. Little did I know that my constant battles and frustrations with that was hurting our kids. So here they were, watching their parents loving one another and we were enjoying a good family life, or so we thought and then the bottom dropping out of the barrel. I would drown my sorrows in alcohol. Hubby drank his problems away, or so he thought.

As time went on, the drinking became worse. Eventually the drinking was ugly to me, so we fought over his drinking. When the kids became teens it all started to fall apart. Jay was becoming hard to control, he started drinking and smoking at a young age, then got involved in drugs. Fights between Jay, hubby & I would break out often. A would hide in her bedroom. At one point she started drinking and experience drugs, but thankfully did not stick with it.

Finally I caught hubby with another woman. I knew for years this had been going on, but had no proof. I was afraid to be on my own, and stupidly discussed my concerns with the kids. For one, they knew something wasn't right, for another when asked, I did not want to lie to them. I hated lying more than anything, probably because I had been lied to so much.

Then I started drinking pretty heavily. I had thought of and started an attempt at suicide but stopped myself. I then went berserk and still think I had a nervous break down. We split up for a year the last time I had caught him with yet another woman. It done us both a world of good. But...by this time, the damage was done.

Jay was out of control, miserable, hated seeing us split up. Bless his heart, he poured himself into trying to help me and then became frustrated cuz mom was drinking her meals and cried herself to sleep and basically gave up on everything. A had lost all self respect. She was pregnant and only 17 and was due to graduate that year. Jay and his girlfriend were expecting as well. Oh and Jay had dropped out of high school twice, went to an alternative school and dropped out of that.

Eventually I had to move out of our house and found an apartment in Boise. A, Jay, her fiance, baby, and I were all going to live there. We started moving things. Then Jay and fiance had a party at the apartment as fiance was living there already trying to find a job. They both got drunk, someone slipped something in his drink, a fight broke out, Jay lost it and tore the place up. I was called and still living in Mountain Home and drove the 35 minutes in way less time to the apartment. By that point he didn't even know who I was. Someone had called the police and I had no choice but to let them take him. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

That was a wake up call for all of us. Hubby and I eventually got back together and worked it all out. Our relationship has been stronger than ever. The drinking on the other hand kept up, but weekends only, but we had Jay living with us and he was drinking with us. We were both on anti depressants at this time and the two do not mix well.

Jay was turning around though, and both kids were doing so much better and much happier. We were getting our lives together and this made a world of difference in theirs. Eventually we had to insist on Jay seeking more help. He finally found a good place to go, got good help and has been doing better ever since, except when he feels he can do without his medication.

So the lesson here; believe me this was hard to share as it is embarrassing; but we learned and hope this will help others realize before it goes as far as it did with us, that drinking does not solve a thing. Sure it numbs you at the time, and if you drink all the time, well yeah, you forget sometimes, but you are only contributing to the problem.

When you let yourself go like that, you are giving your children the wrong messages. Not to mention that they lose self value. They watch us to learn from us. We are suppose to be their teachers, their mentors, not their abattoir's on how to hate life and themselves. That talking bad about yourself makes them start doing the same with themselves and can scar them for life.

I am happy to say, we have been alcohol free for over two years. We have no desire to touch the stuff again. It done nothing but cause problems for all four of us. Our lives were literally a living you know what. I mean you may as well be there, as it was not a good life. It's a crutch that leads you down the wrong path. It is evil to the very end. Now granted a single drink now and again may not be all that bad. We are alcoholics though and know that we don't dare drink again, as just one is all it takes and we do not want to go back to the old way of life. Honestly, I think our kids would lose all respect for us if we did.

Both A and Jay are doing pretty well for themselves. Of course we all go through our struggles. Hubby, Jay & I have given ourselves back to the Lord, well hubby for the first time, and let me tell you, hubby is an amazing man in the Lord!!! He is our rock in our family. He is filled with the Holy Spirit and is our leader in our house the way he should be.

Be sure to keep your own life in check, setting good examples, loving and teaching your children in a Godly manner. After all, we are their examples, their teachers. If we are behaving poorly, eventually that usually catches on and wears off on them. Keeping a positive attitude/atmosphere, keeping your life clean, living in spirituality, one can keep a much happier household, not to mention, God will let us know what's wrong rather that searching and searching and searching for the answers on our own. I thank God for never giving up on us and waiting. If He hadn't, Jay & I probably wouldn't be here today, and that would have been sad, as then we would never had the chance to know our Father better and stronger than ever.

Stigma and Society: A Mother's Plea

I was talking with my son last night and told him about the start of this blog. I took him to the link from Amber and asked him if he would be willing to listen to the part of the voices. He agreed as he wanted to see if what he experiences is like others. We didn't get far into when he said to turn it off. I have to admit, I was worried about it bothering him and perhaps being too much. I wanted to know if it was what he goes through.

As we talked, I learned more about what it's like for him. The voices were like what he hears. What an eye opener that was. The only difference was he wasn't able to hear what they were actually saying, it was muffled, which is a blessing.

Despite the fact that he is on medication that is working wonders finally--it's taken years to find the right "cocktail" (that's how it's described for the mixture), that he needed to get him on track--he still on occasion hears the voices again. They aren't as bad as they had been, but when he experiences this, it wears him out and the next day he has a real hard time staying awake, feels drained, and has a hard time focusing and functioning.

For those of us that don't experience this type of thing can be thankful that we don't have to live like this. It's very real. They aren't making this stuff up. It's a real life experience that they live with on a daily basis.

I have had people tell me that it's all made up, they make themselves think these things, that they use it as an excuse to get out of having to work and live the easy life, what they need is a swift kick in the pants to get off their lazy butts. It burns me to hear these things, as they have no clue. They only hurt those suffering from the diseases more by talking like this way.

I can tell you that it drives Jay nuts. He wants to live a normal life. He wants to be able to hold down a job, but his phsychosis creates a fear of people for him. He is improving bit by bit, but can not handle being around a crowd of people. On occasion he is able to cope, but far and few between times. He wants to work like everyone else. He hates getting assistance, as he feels he doesn't deserve it. He's struggling and trying hard to get somewhere in life.

This is a true and real delima that schizophrenics deal with. They can be really hard on themselves thinking "they" should be able to control it. Often times they will go off their medications thinking they don't need it anymore, or they should be able to make it go away on their own. Not the case. We as parents living with him can testify to the fact that by going off the medications only makes things worse. I'll do another post on what happens when doing so.

I just ask that society starts to open their eyes to mental illness. Realize the delimas they go through. Realize that it's very real. Realize that it is hard on the individuals to go through life feeling like failures, feeling worthless, feeling like a burden. I'm just thankful we were able to get ourselves to get information concerning what was happening with him. To realize that it is a disease that occurs in the brain ceptors that we can not control.

We must stop throwing stones at these people, as we only make matters worse for them. We cause them to withdraw into themselves even more. If we want them to become beneficial members of society, then we need to except them for who they are and work with them. Pushing them away isn't the answer. So please, I beg you as a parent of someone who watches what happens to a loving person keep tucked away because of the stigma society places on those with mental illnesses, stop the stigma, be kind, and accept them with open arms. They need us!

Please go to the link I have posted on the prior message. When you go to the site with the pictures with audio, click on the second link, it explains a few things and then plays the voices that they hear. You will be shocked. It's not an easy thing to listen to. Thank You.

More About This Blog

Although my son and I deal with schizophrenia (him) and bi-polar (me), I am open to information and discussions on any mental disorder, as I want to learn about each one. Feel free to bring any type to the table. It’s all about helping one another through something that isn’t so fun until you learn more about them and how to live comfortably with them. Any one with information (accurate) they want to share, please do. Let’s spread the wealth of information, support, and love to one another.